GREATER DETROIT AREA. Please be aware that my bulbous-headed nephews have accidently mixed floo4 acid and nitrosiltate glomide. Cloud expansion is expected in two weeks. All carbon based life forms will need to vacate the area for 27 years. Sorry for the inconvenience. The children will be severely reprimanded. #7495
INFO AD. Learn cow mutilation in your spare time. Now you too can experience the pleasure that thousands of others already enjoy. Collect viscera, udders and vena cava, both inferior AND superior! The easy to follow instructions are all contained on one .612 info-sphere at the incredibly low price of only 4’eij! Call Nrojb at 1-800-COW-KILL or use tele-path 962 ext. 4. #7496
SERVICE. If you suffer from fingernail grime, let the Nanotechs solve your problem. Using microscopic bulldozers, dump trucks, jack hammers, and cherry pickers, the Nanos will clean every bit of grime from beneath your nails. And it’s FREE! How can they make this offer? Because Nanos eat fingernail grime. So you can have beautiful digits and, at the same time, feed zillions. Call Now! #7510
WARNING. The Chupacabra Surgeon-General has determined that sucking goat blood can cause lactose intolerance, split ends, and may complicate pregnancy. Quitting sucking now can greatly reduce genital fungal growth. #7509
REUNION. The Eternals Class of .0463 second are having a class reunion on July 20 in Las Vegas. The theme of this year’s event will be “Big Bang Memories”. Music will be provided by ABBA. We would appreciate any help in locating Golto ‘Chunky’ Nllvis and Fob ‘Pizza Face’ Thorrt. #7507
CANCELED. The clairvoyant Clyborgs and the precognitive Limpfloatians have canceled their convention due to unforeseen circumstances. #7506
IMPLANTS. Do your alien friends tease you because you have a small skull? Has your tiny brain pan given you endless emotional distress? Now there’s a solution. An expandable silicon implant surgically placed on top of your cranium can give you the confidence you need. Go from a size ‘A’ skull to a ‘DD’ in minutes. Impress the ladies and get that sector promotion. Discounts available for those suffering from CD (Cerebrum Dysfunction).#7514
FYI. FOOFA (Fraternal Order Of Fascist Acronymatodes) will be sponsoring a TQM training seminar in LA, CA, USA for UCLA and MIT VIPs. Session topics are “R2D2 takes M16 to NYC’s PS22”, “Y2K….SOL or BFD?”, “The SNAFUs of IE6, ATM, FTP, EKG, HTML, and F117A”, and “FAQs about WD40”. Register ASAP as sessions fill PDQ. The BYOB lunch buffet of BBQ and BLTs will be served by IHOP. Door prizes include a new GMC UFO. Don’t be MIA or AWOL.#7513
PROCIECOYU. The new wonder drug for Zombians and other living dead species. Propiecoyu may be the solution to your flesh loss and even reverse the effects of rotting flesh. 83% of all Zombians tested experienced no further loss of flesh or limbs. 32% grew new flesh and 6% reported regenerated appendages. Some living dead could experience mild side-effects, such as -2% body fat, hypoglycemia, ebola infestation, and the urge to eat your own arm. Pregnant Zombians should not use or handle broken tablets. For more information consult your family mortician.#7512
H&R Spock. Are you an illegal alien? Do you qualify for a tax refund? Can you claim a tax credit for all of your dependents, even if you eat your offspring? Do you get a deduction for the depreciation of your exoskeleton? All Terran-based alien lifeforms must file a return. If you have trouble crunching numbers or massaging data, let H&R Spock free you from this burden. #7511
B&B. Leaving your body behind and traveling to a higher level of existence? Why not stop off at Do & Ti’s Bed and Breakfast, where your spirit checks in when your body checks out. Sleeping quarters have been designed for seventeen alien races; ranging from beds and aquariums to mucus jars and neutrino fields. If you wake up, you can have a traditional breakfast of applesauce and cyanide washed down with a big glass of homemade strychnine. Ask about the Cult-Med discount. #7508
CYBERTHON. The Mopengloes of the all-mahogany planet of Ply have decided against outdoor carpeting. Now they need you to send them shellac. The tote-board reading is 8,457,514 kiloliters but they need more to varnish Ply properly. Give it up for the Mopengloes. #7505
RENT. Nuclear powered artificial noses, zero-g weed whackers, suspended animation lounge chairs, magnetic sex changers, and much more at Smiling Hrcu’s Galaxy Rentals. Located in synchronous orbit over the south pole. #7504
BE AWARE. The DIA Corporation is NOT responsible for the present shortage of Behemothoid birth control pills. The last two shipments were seized by members of the Gigantic Bacteria Liberation Front and sold in the human market place as rice cakes. Have your Behemothoid spayed, neutered, or leptized. #7503
NEEDED. Protoxian needs Corfon generator to repair late model Galaxy-class cruiser. Will pay 17 Gorlat boxes or trade 2 used AR5 slave-bots. #7491
SEND ME. Mom, Dad, Dad, Dad, and Dad. Please send me more hypno-capsules. There are more human females at Texas A&M than I anticipated. Molo5.6. #7492
SALE. Ulbaniorian must sell internal organs to pay off back taxes. Everything must go. Purchase organs individually or buy in bulk. The first 200 customers will receive free tote bags. #7501
PERSONAL. Asymmetric, oily, Trlic slim-monster would like to meet strong, trisexual Trlic that will soon enter dormant stage. Objective: Procreation followed by absorption. #7493
ANDROID MEETING. The 438th Annual Android Convention will take place on September 14 (793 Logotime) at coordinates 29.58.32N and 90.02.16W. Bring your own spare parts as none will be provided. For more information contact A. Kitteb at 15387 Mhz. #7494
HELP. Human time traveler from 8606 is stranded in Dog Bite, Texas, 2003. Bioflux puter needs timing set. Please help. #7497 Editor’s note: This isn’t an alien submission but we felt so sorry for the guy that we posted the message anyway.
PERSONAL. soboN kryfluK please come home to alBo4. All is forgiven. GrandmA tujBa has regenerated a new tentacle. #7498
BRAVO. The Agiturasibiromel Colony in Loch Ness, Scotland has won the Eoe Award for Lifetime Achievement of Teasing Humans. Da Olzpu won the best actor award for his role in “The Alien Autopsy”. For the 28th year in a row the prize for Best Alien Music Group went to ABBA. #7502
FOR SALE. A ditrinium star vaporizer. Only used once in the former P-141 system. Includes power pack and carrying case. 14.987417 derbs. #7499
LOST. A mauve ZgPa spugglebug with three legs missing. Answers to the name of Sparky. Lost in the vicinity of the 6th dimension. Child’s pet. Reward. #7500
LOCAL–Heavy traffic over Florida due to rubber necking–Hazardous power lines in Fern County, Nevada–Gravity-well weak spot holding steady over Nazca, Chile–New radar facility in NW Idaho/ Cloaking recommended.
SOLAR SYSTEM–Stalled Wbnu freighter in Saturn Sector 7a/ Tractor beams cannot move it because of dimensional instability–Time storm has closed the Boti-Mercury Toll corridor/ Use the Old Venus cutoff.
GALAXY–Stargate 4 under repair/ Traffic slow but steady–Hyper-space clear and fast–Worm hole C is closed due to an infestation of Earth cockroaches.
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